Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
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Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
You can tell a dad鈥檚 age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
If you hear me using my son鈥檚 walkie-talkie in Target because I don鈥檛 have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you鈥檝e aged horribly
me: u didn鈥檛 even turn it on
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…馃槀馃槒馃惗
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I鈥檝e really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
I鈥檓 always Beware #MakesMeCautious