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Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
🤣🤣
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
[sees Facebook friend you haven’t talked to in 12 years just got married] wow thanks for the invite prick did our 5 weeks of driver’s ed together mean nothing to u
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.