@JJSummertime
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
@aissalanis
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
@aotakeo
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
@beefman138
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
@threelisabeth
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
@Pro_Jones_
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
@cluedont
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
@thistallawkgirl
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
@ashleyaustrew
Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!
Family: *tries to help*
Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT
@SthembileSimel5
Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..
@Ygrene
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN