As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
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SUN: please dont
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Me: I do f-ing everything around here! I’m sick of it!
Family: *tries to help*
Me: That’s not…what are you…no…wrong…LET ME DO IT
Midrand traffic is caused by married men who don’t want to go home after work..
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN