@juliussharpe

After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.

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@delusions_of

What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”

@dadopotamus

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

@JohnLyonTweets

Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.

@neiltyson

Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.

@Dawn_M_

I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.

@jonnysun

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

@DamienFahey

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

@GoldenSpirals

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”

@michaelianblack

Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!