After watching “Breaking Bad” and the VMAs in the same night, I think I’d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.

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What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”


Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.


Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.


Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.


I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.


ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else


I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.


Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”


Happy Fourth of July. May your emails be gathered and your drones fly forever free!