After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.

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Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.

Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours

Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.


16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.



Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY


[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”


People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.


It’s cute how they show subtitles during Here Comes Honey Boo Boo & pretend that anyone watching might actually know how to read.


A roofie? .. but how does a roof take a picture of itself? I’m so confused.


Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.


They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.