After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
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Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
We like the way Dwight thinks
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*