@phalguy

After watching Star Wars 20 told me he probably wouldn’t go and see it again.

And now I’m thinking he looks a lot like my old mailman.

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@AimeeHelene1

*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*

@simoncholland

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

@SCbchbum

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

@MotorCityKitteh

Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?

@faiza__tg

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

@themicheniche

If the helicopter pilot asks you if you like roller coasters, maybe think about why he’d ask that before you gleefully exclaim yes. I know this now

@CornOnTheGoblin

[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!

@TrueTorontoGirl

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.