After watching Star Wars 20 told me he probably wouldn’t go and see it again.

And now I’m thinking he looks a lot like my old mailman.

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*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*


Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.


Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.


Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?


I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined


If the helicopter pilot asks you if you like roller coasters, maybe think about why he’d ask that before you gleefully exclaim yes. I know this now


[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!


I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.