After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
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Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Lmao
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Stop it! 😂
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.