After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
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Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
それは草
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
The Sun’s probably Asian.
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
they should invent a hydrating liquor
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.