@Darlainky

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

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@stevevsninjas

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

@ArfMeasures

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

@aSapCoolDad

*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race

@edana_irish

Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle

@ArfMeasures

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

@thetits

HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date

ME: kill?

HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect

ME: we are talking out loud

@AndrewChamings

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

@XplodingUnicorn

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

@trojansauce

[about to have sex]
WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?!
[cut to]
ME: *making balloon animals at work*
[cut back]
ME: affair