After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

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[Health fair]

“Would you like a free diabetes cookbook?”

Me [leaning in close]: Why would I ever want to cook diabetes?


I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture


I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.


Wife: How was work?

Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into

W: I despise you


Just woke up from a dream where I didn’t know how to use shampoo, I was just standing in the shower staring at it all confused.

Just like when I think about 2020.


Neighbor: Your husband is a talker.

Me: Mmm?

N: Your husband. He has a story for everything.

M: Oh, I wouldn’t know.


M: I stopped listening to him in 2003.


ME: For my final wish, I’d like to lose some weight.

GENIE: Only way is to eat less and exercise more.

ME: This is bullshit.


If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.


me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*


Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.