@Halbeerz

After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies

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@brennadine

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

@DevilryFun

Interviewer: We offer great benefits.

Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?

@Playing_Dad

[3am]
*nudges wife* No way the old guy blew up all those balloons in Up in 1 night. Honey, you awake? I mean he’s like a million years old.

@_Tempo11

“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.

@KeetPotato

[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”

@ohen39

[gets pulled over]

cop: do you know how fast you were growing?

me: officer, I wa-wait did you say growing?

cop: *removes mask to reveal grandma* you’ve gotten so big

@Lowenaffchen

i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends

@KaylarWill

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

@Deirdreocx

If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…

Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend