[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
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Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
This is what makes twitter great
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that