Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
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Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Website: Make a password
Me: Ok
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
the short answer to this question
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”