[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
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California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.