@squirrel74wkgn

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

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@lilgapeach32

Who decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to put on a tampon box? “Manslaughter is illegal” would’ve been more relevant.

@BuckyIsotope

WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down

@Bob_Janke

I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win

@DosieDoe

I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.

Like Customs, for example.

@iGreenMonk

My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.

@lovejulieacafe

I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.

@MissHavisham

*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.

@Fred_Delicious

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

@jordan_stratton

*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*

ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.