[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
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My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
I am the human equivalent of a junk drawer. I’ve got everything you need but nothing that you want and good luck finding what you’re looking for.
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My kid showed me a black paper and said, he has drawn a black panther but it is night time.
He has made two blue dots for eyes tbf.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
cause of death:
autopsy.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!