[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
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@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
sliding into dms like
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…