@andlikelaura

[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit

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@squirrel74wkgn

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

@caraweinberger

When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home

@UgghNotyou

Learn to put yourself first unless you’re in a battlefield.

@leshnevsky

Scars make a man handsome? Bathe your cat every day and you’ll become the sexiest man in the city very soon!

@iscoff

We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair

@_Water_Baby

Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.

@Underchilde

I’m sorry but shits and giggles don’t sound like things I want to have happen at the same time.