After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
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children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
I’m not stressed
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004