After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is

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My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons. nnWTF. I was looking right at her.


*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*


*Gets down on one knee*

*audible gasp*


Help my knee is made of magnets


A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.


At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”


I just found out five people I went to high school with are dead. What’s taking the rest of them so long?


My roadside emergency kit is a black wig, a disco ball and a bottle of vodka. Might as well have fun while I wait to be murdered.


If only people were named after their tattoo’s.

This guy standing in front of me in Petro Canada Would be named Machine gun-Snake-Jesus.


Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.


Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?