After years of failure, the “scientist” that had been trying to create a fake urine nearly went mad after he drank his first Miller Lite.

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[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.


Flash floods in Arizona last night. We nominate California and Texas. #ALSIceBucketChallenge


Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.



– parents who let their kids have ice cream cones in the car


ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple

ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.


I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.


Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson


ME: 50 Cent has to clone himself to be able to go to the Dollar Store.
DATE: Do you ever listen to yourself


I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”