Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
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when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?