The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
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Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
as is their right
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die