COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.