After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
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I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I want this so bad
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way