Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
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Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
calling in to work dehydrated
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
that’s really how it is
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.