[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
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7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
My dad is at it again
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers