[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
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We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
me before I type out affect or effect
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
OMG 🤣🤣
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.