Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
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“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Happy weekend !
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.