Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
You Might Also Like
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
My plans: 2020:
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
asking santa clause for nudes
The biggest mystery of our time