age 1: goo googa
age 2: im a babada da
age 3: thank god i can finally speak. listen, i’ve been observing u for 3 years now. what are u doing
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enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”