Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

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I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.


*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say


I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.


Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that


I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story


I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.


If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.


These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.


Pretty awesome how you can buy chocolates on February 13th and everyone assumes you have a girlfriend & not a grudge w/ your neighbor’s dog.