@Cpin42

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Age 40: I want my toilet to flush

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@cmstetz13

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

@mortimermaiden

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

@NintenDom

I’m going to name my first kid Authorized Personnel so they can go wherever they want in life.

@candyflippin

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

@BarryVonAwesome

I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story

@MissyFRose

I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.

@1Happytwit

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

@Dexxe

These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.

@ImFordTough

Pretty awesome how you can buy chocolates on February 13th and everyone assumes you have a girlfriend & not a grudge w/ your neighbor’s dog.