Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
You Might Also Like
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
CDC: Stay safe by washing your hands
ENTIRE WORLD: *washes hands obsessively*
CDC: Also brush your teeth
WORLD: *brushes teeth frantically*
CDC: And take out the garbage
WORLD: Wait what?
CDC: Go make your bed
WORLD: Stop it
CDC: That bedroom of yours better be clean
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive