*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
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her: what are you doing on your phone?
me: an update
her: what update?
me: not much, what up with you
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Just finished reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome.
I really didn’t like the first couple of chapters, but by the end I loved it.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
Dude, why did you buy Grand Theft Auto 5? I mean, honestly, you live in Detroit. You could’ve just gone outside and saved yourself $50.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.