Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
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Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
You know what rhymes with, “I’m Fine” ?
“More Wine”
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I drew y’all a little something.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
This January has 47 Mondays
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight