age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
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Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Cndnsd Mlk
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.