no one likes gloating
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
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My daughter’s school is selling apples for their band.
If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I’ll go to Whole Foods.
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
What personal space?
“Your password is weak”
You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
And I feel sorry for you
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.