age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

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Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”


Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot


When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.


Studies found that 1 in 4 men are gay, meaning someone in my close group of friends is gay. I hope its Dave, he’s really cute…


Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner


Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you


*takes plastic shield off razor*


HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”


Sightseeing at the Arc de Triomphe

Her: Wow, what an unusual gate

Him: *sobbing* One of my legs is shorter than the other