@jonnysun

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

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@SaltyCorpse

My daughter’s school is selling apples for their band.

If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I’ll go to Whole Foods.

@Lisabug74

*wins $1000*

To claim your prize, create an account and password.

Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.

@seandunn76

Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.

Contestant: What is love?

*dance party erupts*

@dshack8

50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.

Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.

@geowizzacist

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

@HorryPuttor

“Your password is weak”

You’re the weak one
And you’ll never know love
Or friendship
And I feel sorry for you

@LizHackett

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.