@AbbyHasIssues

Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!

Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.

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@_ElvishPresley_

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

@ScottLinnen

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.

@andylassner

“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”

-Critics

@junejuly12

The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.

@SteveKoehler22

Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.

Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.

@Ryanfc706

No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.

@bourgeoisalien

When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.

@catstronomical

*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake

@shutupmikeginn

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

@BraandoCommando

Me: I would like this urn

Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?

Me: my wife

Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry

[later]

Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present