Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
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my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
when you don’t want to be too vague
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
😍😂🥰😂😍
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
The upside to wearing a mask at work is I can yawn in meetings and no one knows. The downside is I yawn so much I look like I’m crying
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
Getting high with witches sounds super cool until they start looking at you and whispering about sacrifices.
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards