[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
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All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
“I haven’t accomplished much but I will harshly judge the hard work of others”
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.
Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
No one has seen you look worse than the gas station closest to your house.
When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present