Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
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I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
I’m pretty like a car crash.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]