@Home_Halfway

AGE 17: I’m gonna play this game on nightmare mode and complete everything

AGE 27: I’ll play this on hard mode but probably won’t do every quest

AGE 37: I died just turning the game on

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@DaddyJew

Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers

@secondofhername

What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.

@TastyTuneTweets

Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.

@ticknada

Cops: You were driving while intoxicated

Me: I was in no condition to walk

@notalogin

People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me

@bromanconsul

sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff

@gobmentcheese

In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.

@Laser_Cat

Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.