AGE 17: I’m gonna play this game on nightmare mode and complete everything

AGE 27: I’ll play this on hard mode but probably won’t do every quest

AGE 37: I died just turning the game on

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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.


Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.


Cops: You were driving while intoxicated

Me: I was in no condition to walk


People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me


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In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.


Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.