Please keep my son in your prayers, he walked out of the house with only 3% battery left on his kindle and judging by his reaction this is the end of the world. Prayers
AGE 17: I’m gonna play this game on nightmare mode and complete everything
AGE 27: I’ll play this on hard mode but probably won’t do every quest
AGE 37: I died just turning the game on
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What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Go ahead lady, call the cops. I have witnesses that say your toddler started it.
Cops: You were driving while intoxicated
Me: I was in no condition to walk
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
sorry son. I know u had ur heart set on college but Grandma had to throw her massive diamond into the ocean to deal w some emotional stuff
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.