You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
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HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Harsh but fair
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me