Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
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Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting