@jonathantony

Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”

Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”

You Might Also Like

@YourMomsucksTho

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

@ShortSleeveSuit

GUY: looks like your truck could use some work

ME [patting it]: indeed

GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?

@briangaar

Hi I’m Charlie Brown, the depressed 10-year-old who can’t kick a football. I’d like to talk to you for a second about insurance

@WritingWilkie

The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.

@UnFitz

An oversized cargo ship wedged firmly in the Suez Canal, but it’s me trying on my pre-pandemic jeans.

@Donna_McCoy

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

@anerdonfire2

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

@TheAlexNevil

I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.