People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early