how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
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I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
Tony Hawk, age 6
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-