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🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
you gotta be faster
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
house sitting!
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.