@squirrel74wkgn

(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!

(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.

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@xLiserx

Him: You wanna 69?
Me: I’d rather do an 11.
Him: What’s that?
Me: We both lay in bed on our phones like we’ve been married for 15 years.

@FilthyRichmond

Fox News reports that President Obama rapped his oath in Arabic while cutting the head off a goat.

@samalmightysam

• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.

@thatdutchperson

Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second

@perfect_boxx

Women who want to renew your wedding vows….

Why not renew the bachelorette party? You’d probably have more fun.

@mutablejoe

review of the year

Jan: no massive cow
Feb: no massive cow
Mar: no massive cow
Apr: no massive cow
May: no massive cow
Jun: no massive cow
Jul: no massive cow
Aug: no massive cow
Sep: no massive cow
Oct: no massive cow
Nov: there was a massive cow
Dec: no massive cow

@chuuew

[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt

@AnnietheNanny1

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

@ArfMeasures

AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u