(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
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I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone