Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
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Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
who wants to go expliring
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Midwest trash talk
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb