Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?