@aquinton

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

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@YeezyEducatedMe

[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely

@juliussharpe

It would suck being run over by a limo because it would take twice as long.

@prufrockluvsong

Parents: lying is bad

Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11

@iAmJuddy

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

@mattZillaaaa

Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship

@StellaRtwot

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

@SortaBad

Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before

@xofreckles

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm