[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
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It would suck being run over by a limo because it would take twice as long.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm