Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
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Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
That time Alicia messaged me
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.