age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

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10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.


I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.


Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?


What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?


Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.


CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*


Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes


This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.


INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t