@seethenare

age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”

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@dadmann_walking

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

@Sweet_Leafs_

I have said it before. I will at it again. If anyone is into wife swapping. I will take a dirtbike or a puppy. Hit me up.

@of_a_genepool

Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon

Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though

Me: What’s Animal Crossing?

@longwall26

What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?

@idiosity

Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.

@ShortSleeveSuit

CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless

Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right

*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*

@karenphotog

Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes

@workisafuck

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

@CaptPinkbeard

INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?

ME: No I haven’t