god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
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me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
new year update: losing everything but weight
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.