Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
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ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Netflix and you sit over there.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.