Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
The guy that said laughter is the best medicine obviously wasn’t suffering from diarrhea
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius