Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
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Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
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