Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
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I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit